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10 Reasons Why I Hate Football
Before you sign my death warrant, fellow Americans, know that I’m talking about American soccer, otherwise known to the rest of the world as football. So relax – it’s ok – I’m just having fun with soccer!
I’m watching Euro 2008 on television, although I can’t tell which games have already been played (tape delay anyone?). Alas – I don’t know any of the teams, players or coaches, so ignorance is bliss.
After watching a few major match-ups (as told to me by the announcers) and consuming a few slices of pizza and cheap American beer, I’ve come to the following conclusion: Soccer stinks.
I actually played soccer for years. The game is fun in your childhood, but somehow the pleasant, family environment turns into a boring and violent theater full of male drama queens. Over the years I’ve watched Olympic soccer, the World Cup, and a few German league matches (we had great cable channels when I was a kid).
I repeat: Soccer stinks. I wanted to kill myself while watching some good soccer matches. So without further ado, I humbly present 10 Reasons Why I Hate Football:
1. Drunk fans
In American football stadiums, we actually close the beer and liquor stands before the end of the game. When do European and Latin American stadiums close? My money is always up.
If I want to see drunken, violent Europeans in action, I’ll put on my Dodgers cap, pink polo shorts and some Nike sneakers and visit an English pub. Or maybe attend a Prodigy concert in Berlin.
American sports fans wave. We cook tailgate and burgers. We bring our families and play catch with our kids. We also eat ice cream and leave the game early to beat the traffic.
World soccer fans beat the crap out of each other. duration. Can’t say I blame them. After ninety minutes of back-and-forth and beer in the hot sun, I’d probably kill my best friend. Soccer fans are a ticking time bomb waiting to explode.
And by the way, when the European fans paint their faces and then riot, I am reminded of the brutal battle scenes in Braveheart. Maybe world soccer teams need cute mascots to pump up the testosterone. Who are the Miami Dolphins?
If you can do your taxes and not miss the action, you’re watching a boring sporting event. Soccer has the lowest total score of any sport in world history. to kick run to fall do it again
I cannot deny the physical skills that world class soccer players possess. However, when that skill is spread over a few touches over ninety minutes, one word comes to mind: boring. Soccer clinics are more interesting than actual matches.
3. Penalty kick
Let me get this straight – you run ninety minutes and then if the score is tied at the whistle, don’t you play overtime? are you kidding Penalty kicks are unfair and unusual. A team sport is reduced to individual effort in a completely different form. Must be beer. Allowing an overtime period, fans will begin to pass.
4. Women (or lack thereof)
Have you ever noticed that women are less present? Soccer is dominated by men. What will the family atmosphere be like when women don’t come to play? I think men planned it. Maybe the soccer match is one big male bonding seminar. Complete with beer, riots and boredom.
5. Third World Success
Many third world countries are good at soccer. For the economists out there, consider the lower barriers to entry. All youngsters need is a ball (or a close approximation), dirt or grass, and a few friends. Maybe that’s why soccer permeates the lives of so many third parties. Unlike material wealth, soccer skills are easily acquired and careers happen because soccer players are within reach of the best talent, regardless of income.
In contrast, Americans prefer sports that require high-tech training, nutritionists and expensive equipment. Think American football, baseball or hockey. We excel in sports where our unlimited resources provide an edge in global competition. Soccer is the exception, so we deprecate the sport and build exceptional teams instead. All our real players play other sports!
I used to think hockey players were the meanest athletes on the planet. Watching soccer has changed my mind.
Soccer players are nasty and talented individuals. This makes for a dangerous combination. Cleats as weapons, goal posts as battering rams, fists as clubs – get the point? At least provide some protection for these guys – maybe a helmet or a stick would help. Perhaps players need an outlet for their aggression. I think their aggression is fueled by the boredom of standing on a hot field for ninety minutes in front of thirty thousand drunken men with no women in sight. Yes, it will.
In American sports, when a player goes down, it usually means a critical condition. In soccer, these male drama queens feign death and then miraculously jump up and run when the opposition calls a foul. What other sport allows and encourages such theatrics? Does the referee get mad when a player scores with an injury? Don’t Europeans know the story of “The Boy Who Cried Wolf”? I will give a yellow card to any sissy who goes down and cries wolf. How do coaches know when true injuries occur? Is there some kind of secret code (“hold your left ankle falsely, hold your right ankle if you need help”)?
8. Wasted space
I think the layout of soccer stadiums and fields closely matches that of football fields. Consider how much American football could be played overseas without investing in sports infrastructure? Repaint the lines and let’s play some ball. And in this age of environmental activism, can’t we boycott countries that waste precious land on stupid soccer fields?
9. Culture Wars
Soccer or football? Too much confusion. I wish the soccer/football giants would get together and make a decision once and for all. Here’s the problem – I think football is the correct term! But given the French and German attitudes during the Iraq War, I refused to concede the point. It is a matter of national pride. Unfortunately American soccer is a victim of this ugly culture war, but hey, sacrifices must be made. As long as American football is safe they can have their bloody football!
10. Stinks in American Soccer
We Americans can’t just play soccer. We are a nation afflicted with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), so what else can we expect? We need action, women and qualities. Soccer boredom is a constant blight on a beautiful game. So when does football season start?
(C) Copyright 2008 Robert J. Leitner
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