Dumbest Plays In Football America That Got Away With It Teeing Off on TV Golf

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Teeing Off on TV Golf

My local cable company recently started carrying the Golf Channel. I can only assume it’s because it can’t afford more stimulating programming, like the Knitting Network or Drying Paint Television.

I don’t understand why anyone would waste precious time watching an “athlete” in clown pants chasing a little white ball around an oversized pool table. Maybe if they stocked the water hazards with live piranha and forced golfers to dive to retrieve their errant tee shots, I’d consider tuning in.

I find it more productive to spend Sunday afternoons sprawled out in my La-Z-Boy drinking beer and watching football while singing the theme song to The Brady Bunch.

But television has a way of making golf as exciting as the latest episode of Masterpiece Theatre. Instead of the PGA or the US Open, all the networks want to do is broadcast a typical hacker’s Saturday morning jaunt on the links.

I’m talking about those weekend duffers who take golf to a whole new level by playing with the reckless abandon typically seen in the NFL, NHL, or during daily rush hour commutes. I’m not sure if it’s because of the deep passion for the game or the two cases of Budweiser consumed during the round.

I can only imagine what those normally staid golf broadcasters would be saying if they called one of these Fearsome Foursome’s rounds. Here are some possible excerpts from the telecast with golf legend Bogie Vance and Hook providing driver commentary:

Hole 2

Bogie: Well hook up, Jackson just popped open his fifth beer and it looks like we’re only on the second hole.

Hook: That’s right Bogie, I’m not sure how he does it. He’s putting away those Budweisers like he’s John Goodman at the buffet table. I wonder if he can finish the round.

Hole 6

Bogey: Jackson just chipped his tee shot into the woods for the fifth hole in a row—a new course record!

Hook: What a wonderful round! Jackson is on track for his worst scoring streak ever. Wait – what is he doing in the forest? Is he coming out of his wedge?

Bogie: No Hook, I think he’s getting out…oh my god! I couldn’t believe what he was doing in that tree! Oh, the humanity!… Um, we’ll be right back with this word of teepees – the only adult diaper designed specifically for golfers. Remember-the worse you play, the more TeePees-Champions diapers you need.

Hole 14

Hook: Looks like Greeley took over from Jackson to drive the cart—he didn’t have it today.

Bogie: That’s right Hook. I saw this coming back on the eleventh hole when Jackson drove to the gallery. Boy, that crowd sure was in a hurry. They were like Moses at the Red Sea.

Hook: Oh no—Peterson threw his club in frustration for the sixth time today. Look out! It’s straightforward for us! You better—-(THUD!)

Bogey: We’ll be right back after a word from the clubhead—the only pain reliever made for golfers….Medic!

Hole 18

Bogey: 12 hours later, we’ve reached the final hole with only two golfers—and an announcer—still standing. Evening is falling, and the round is mercifully coming to an end.

Wait-don’t look now, but Jackson seems to be coming, and…what is he doing? He’s trying to drive again! He’s headed straight for the water…he’s in the water! I’m sure they’ll get him out in time–those piranhas look hungry.

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