College Football Teams That Had To Change Logo Or Name An Idiot’s Guide To American Football

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An Idiot’s Guide To American Football

Thanks to the wonders of satellite and cable television, beyond the shores of the New World we have a world-class selection of events, many of which are unwatchable, but some of which command attention, and one of them is American football. It is a very macho game for boys only, unlike baseball and basketball, which are girls’ sports, known in the old world as rounders and netball respectively.

So for those of you who know little or nothing about the game, here’s a fool’s guide for your improvement:

There are two teams, which help build excitement and are often referred to by exotic names associated with their hometowns. So you have the Tampa Bay Rowdies, the San Francisco High Five, the Minnesota Maulers, and so on.

Each member of the team is dressed like the Incredible Hulk, padded like an overpriced sofa, and topped off with a helmet and mouth guard, making the action difficult, if not impossible, to follow.

A maximum of fifteen Hulks from each team are on the field of play at any one time, with another fifteen or so waiting on the touchline. It depends on whether the team is in offensive or defensive mode [more later].

There are as many as three referees dressed and acting like convicts, who have little red handkerchiefs that they throw on the ground when the whistle blows to stop play. All very colorful.

The object of the game is to reach the opponent’s end zone, somewhat curiously known as the touchdown zone, as ‘touching down’ is not required. But never mind. When they do, they are awarded points.

Teams take turns with the ball, and they progress up the pitch using various tactics including ‘first and ten’, ‘second and ten’ and so on. They have four tries to advance up the pitch and then pass the ball to the opposition team to try their luck. This is the signal for a wholesale change of team members, as the offensive pack with the ball is replaced by a defensive pack without the ball, and the defensive pack of the other team without the ball is replaced by their offensive pack, which will receive the ball. When it is booted for them by the other team’s specialist kicker. He has a really funny job, as he comes on the field just to kick and then he cheats before being flattened by the opposing team who are now playing aggressively.

The most important player on any team is called the quarterback, so called because he always seems to be holding back. He also controls the plays, as they are blocked, where tactics are agreed upon. He is then given the ball and must do something with it or fall flat in the process. He can either throw it to a teammate, a good idea, who then runs like the wind, or, if completely clueless, run with the ball himself, a tactic generally not recommended for health and safety reasons.

Finally, for the red-blooded men among you, each team has its own platoon of cheerleaders, leggy, luscious and luscious girls and a veritable feast for the eyes, who prance and dance to encourage their team and who are a welcome distraction from them. Acts on the field.

You’ve got it, so tune in and with the help of this guide, you’ll be an expert in no time.

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